The drive to survive

I used to believe that Illinois drivers were the stupidist, most inconsiderate and generally worst drivers in the hemisphere.

Then I moved to Florida.

To quote every teenaged girl in America, O M G!

If you've never driven here, you cannot imagine the levels of stupidity you can see every day on the roads in Southwest Florida.

Let me explain.

First, you must take into account the demographics here. About 70 percent of the population is retired. WAY WAY retired.

Most of the rest of the folks are real estate agents.

Consider: Old retired folks' (ORF) reactions are slow. Many of them recognize that fact. So, to be safe, ORFs drive slow. Very slow. Old retired folks also don't have any place urgent to go. The cocktail hour at the club will wait for them. (There's plenty of evidence of that). So they drive slower.

For some reason, ORFs are usually looking for some place they can't remember the location of. So they drive even slower, looking intently. In the left lane. ORFs LOVE the left lane.

Most major streets and highways in the area are six-lane thoroughfares, most with large, heavily landscaped boulevards dividing the lanes with periodic cuts to allow for left turns and U-turns (which are legal here just about everywhere).

When an ORF decides he/she must turn left, said ORF immediately moves into the left lane. The passing lane. AT LEAST 5 MILES BEFORE THEY TURN. Just to be sure. So, there you have it, an ORF putting down the road in the left/passing lane at 35 mph. In a 55 mph zone.

There are at least a couple more ORF tricks that get me. The habit of breaking at a green light, presumable because 'You never know, it just MIGHT turn red any minute without warning.'

And the best: On a busy thoroughfare, with traffic moving along at 45 mph or 55 mph, some kind ol' ORF in the left lane will STOP (STOP!) to allow a driver headed in the other direction to turn into their lane. The rest of the traffic behind them also had been moving 45mph or 55 mph. 10 or 15 driver following the kind soul are all jamming HARD on their breaks while this kind ol' ORF is being nice and polite to the left turner. Rear-end accidents abound around here.

Then, beyond the ORF, there's the busy real estate agent (BREA). BREAs apparently troll up and down major streets looking for customers. All the while, they have their cell phones attached to their ear. Paying little of no attention to their driving. They'll go along happily at 10-15 mph below the speed limit, occasionally and randomly weaving from lane to lane, suddenly notice they're going slow and speed up to 10 or 15 mph above the speed limit.

Or, they'll suddenly and unexpectedly notice that, yes, they have been driving for some time oblivious to surrounding traffic, and break for no apparent reason.

At a red light, they BREAs are the ones who have to be honked at to remind them that the light's been green for 30 second now. At which point they take off at the speed of light, aimlessly wandering between lanes as they carry on oh-so-important phone conversations. (Since no one around here's actually selling or buying property - except us - God only knows what they're talking about).

There are a few other driving categories to mention (like the lane-changing late maniac (LCLM), the oblivious phone-obsessed teenaged girls OPATAG), bullet proof teenaged boys (BPTAB) and the ever dangerous oh-so-cautious and law-abiding Hispanic (OSCLAH), but they'll have to be the subject of another blog.

As a person who must drive 35 minutes each way to and from work daily, I encounter many of these critters. And of course, as a driver, I'm totally law-abiding and blameless. Of course.

Right.

The point is, Illinois folks, if you want the title of stupidest, most inconsiderate drivers back, you'd better start working.

These Floridians (and the tourists) have got a BIG lead on you.

And so it goes.